The Unauthorized Randy “Duke” Cunningham Page

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Gray, a crusty old "Field Marine." He loved his marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. And, woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be "unfit in quality or quantity.)

Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of "formal entertaining," fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the general would rather have been in the field eating cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard charging" Marines. But the General knew his duty, and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from "Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington, D.C., home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of "parade rest" at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big-chested, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration.

She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Desert Storm. She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"

The young Marine snapped to "attention" and replied, "I don't eat that @!#$, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "parade rest." His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of "attention" (like the arm of a mousetrap smacking it's wooden base). Then he said, "I don't eat that @!#$, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of "parade rest" he went.

This time, there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met "that military man
in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to
the Commandant and interrupted."General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there. And, do you know what he told me?"

General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and iindignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He said, 'I - don't - eat - that - @!#$ -
Ma'am!'"
The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, "God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!" and the color left their faces.

General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hummm. Which one did you say it was, Ma'am?," the General asked.

"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction.

One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision.

He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, f#%& him! Don't give him any."

Okay D. Dickey...MORE STORIES, MORE STORIES, MORE STORIES!

Since I got my taxes done two weeks early (2005), I'll take the time to write up another one of the Senior Fleet Ensign stories this week and post it in the Shenanigans, Hooligan's and Ensign's flap. This one was a Captain's worst nightmare (but true). I shall entitle it: "Whoops Captain". Stay tuned, and keep writing Dickey!

RazMaTaz
"Wore the 'Bull Ensign Bars' so long they took 'em away from me"

A Sailor walks into a bar outside of Cherry Point. He sits down at the bar
and orders a beer. When served, he asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Marine joke.

The bartender gets a rather stern look on his face and says,"you see that guy at the end of the bar? Lt Col, 18 years of exemplary service.

See that guy at the other end of the bar?...Master Gunnery Sargeant...22 years in the Corp.

Me, I'm a retired Gunny myself...28 years of loyal service....

Now....you still want to tell that Marine joke?"


The sailor looks at him for a few seconds and says...






"Not if I"m gonna have to explain it three times!"

A Sailor walks into a bar outside of Cherry Point. He sits down at the bar
and orders a beer. When served, he asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Marine joke.

The bartender gets a rather stern look on his face and says,"you see that guy at the end of the bar? Lt Col, 18 years of exemplary service.

See that guy at the other end of the bar?...Master Gunnery Sargeant...22 years in the Corp.

Me, I'm a retired Gunny myself...28 years of loyal service....

Now....you still want to tell that Marine joke?"


The sailor looks at him for a few seconds and says...






"Not if I"m gonna have to explain it three times!"

Have been reading this site since the teary-eyed apology last fall. Was airwing on the Connie, 3 westpac's; 71-72, 73 & 74. Ship's company on the Coral Sea 81-84. Cunningham was Ops Boss of VF-154 on Coral Sea. Apppeared to me that puffy, red-faced CDR had told his war stories while leaning against far too may bar rails.

Anyway, just have a short one to forward for a few grins in this scary ol' world.

Two old salts, 20 years w/ red hash marks, were strolling down Market Street in the City by the Bav, when a seasoned lady of the evening leaned out a 2nd floor window and shouted down "Hey boys, come on up and I'll give you something you've never had before!". One old salt leaned over and whispered to his buddy "damn, she must have leprosy!".

"Cunningham was Ops Boss of VF-154 on Coral Sea" Ops of VF-One Filthy Whore, now that is a scary thought.

"Ensign" and "mind" in the same sentence is non sequitur.

A crusty old Gunnery Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a
 local liberal  arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
 idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the 
Gunnery Sergeant  for conversation.

 "Excuse me, Sergeant , but you seem to be a very  serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

 "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by  nature."

 "The young lady looked at his  awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

  The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said, "You know, you should lighten up a  little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 The  Gunny just stared at her in his serious manner.

 Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you  don't take
this the wrong way, but when was the last time  you had sex?"

"1955,  ma'am."

 "Well, there you are. You  really need to chill out and quit taking
 everything so  seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took
his hand and led him to a  private room where she  proceeded to "relax" him
 several times.

 Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his  bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much  since 1955!"

 The Gunny,  glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I  hope not, it's only 2130 now."